I now present to you a play in one act. I call it Bedtime: or Why Babies Are Jerks.
scene: a suburban bedroom. Night.
me: I brush my teeth, wash face, etc. etc. I lie down & read for a bit, as is my habit.
baby, as seen on video monitor: conked out. doesn’t even move.
me: time for sleep. I turn out my light, settle into bed. so happy.
baby: dead to the world.
me: close my eyes….
baby: omfg! time to freak out.
me: get up, watch baby on monitor for a few seconds. is she really awake? will she settle herself back down?
baby: ha ha, no. come get me, I am losing my shit!
me: damn. ok, I’m up. I grab the monitor to use as a light, cross the room and put my hand on the door.
baby: wait, I’m ok now. totally sleeping again
me: is she really sleeping? or just working up a big scream? I’ll stand here at the door for a couple minutes to make sure.
me: turn back, keeping an eye on monitor. plug it back in, lie back down. glance again at monitor. get comfortable, glance again at monitor, close eyes.
baby: totally passed out.
me: open eyes, peek at monitor, close eyes again. sigh peacefully.
baby: 3…2…1…wide awake! I am super angry.
me: also wide awake. ugh. grab monitor, leave bedroom, go to baby’s room. give her pacifier.
baby: that’s all i needed. thanks! zzzz
me: double ugh.
(now playing three to five nights a week at my house, or at a baby’s house near you.)